


Proceed with Caution, Padawan Skywalker

by Cobalt_Djinn



Series: Proceed with Caution [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Competent Jedi Master, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:51:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6553531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cobalt_Djinn/pseuds/Cobalt_Djinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seventeen-year-old Anakin Skywalker is in love, but padawans are forbidden have emotional attachment. As Master Obi-Wan struggles to impress upon him the danger of attachment, a well-kept secret from the Master’s past comes into light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Proceed with Caution, Padawan Skywalker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aryax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryax/gifts), [EmilaWanKenobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilaWanKenobi/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Secrets & Lies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1661294) by [EmilaWanKenobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilaWanKenobi/pseuds/EmilaWanKenobi). 



> Since I'm having a bad case of writer's block for "The Art and Science of Soresu", I decided to exercise my creativity with a simple one-shot. Never fear though. I am still working on the other story. It is just very slow in coming. Obi-Wanis a tough character to write, you know.

Anakin Skywalker walked out of the Level Four Force Philosophy classroom, head still spinning from extremely convoluted theorems he had been subjected for the past two hours. He robbed his bleary eyes and covered a yawn. The only thing that made him feel better was the fact that the other padawans looked no better than he. That was little consolation though. Mid-semester exam was coming up, and Master Obi-Wan would hardly accept “It is the will of the Force” as an excuse if Anakin failed the class. Master Obi-Wan insisted that a good grasp of philosophy was essential to any Jedi. Not that Anakin wanted to flunk the class anyway, since he’d have to retake it until he passed. 

“Anakin, you wouldn’t happen to understand what Master Lwen-Ma was talking about, would you?”

He turned around. He was so caught up in his funk that he didn’t notice another padawan walking up to him. It was Feylin, a human girl a year younger than he whom he’d met a semester ago in the Shii-Cho seminar Master Obi-Wan had made him attend. “Hi, Feylin. I haven’t a clue. Honestly, what could he possibly mean by ‘Force being without will, without conscience, yet it shall reveal both through practitioner’s subjectivity’,” Anakin drawled, doing an accurate imitation of Master Lwen-Ma’s slow, wheezy voice.

Feylin laughed, a bright, merry sound, and fell into steps with Anakin. They were both heading toward the dining hall. “You sound exactly just like him! At least no one could accuse us of not paying attention.” Anakin had to fight a blush at her casual mention of ‘we’. “Hey, mid-semester’s coming up. What do you say about studying Force Phil together? Perhaps two brains could work better than one.”

Anakin could not think of any reason to refuse, especially in face of Feylin’s expectant smile. In fact, he could hardly think at all. Feylin, with her dark, shiny hair and creamy skin, was secretly regarded as one of the best looking human padawans in their age group. A year ago Anakin wouldn’t have noticed such thing, would indeed consider girls as far away from his immediate concern as those retired old Jedi masters, but now, with Feylin standing so close, he could not imagine not wanting to touch those smooth cheeks, kiss those full lips. “Of course, Feylin. I’ll let you know which evenings I have free and you can come over to study.” 

His reply earned him another sparkly laughter, one that sent a small thrill of triumph though him. They entered the dining hall, and by mutual agreement selected a table in the corner so they could eat and talk together. Anakin made it his goal to elicit as many laughs from Feylin as possible during the short meal, and he succeeded - quite spectacularly if he might say so him so - by imitating Master Obi-Wan’s most anal-retentive moments. By the end of it Feylin was chuckling so hard she had to lean on Anakin for support, and Anakin grinned, though his pleasure definitely did not come from thinking of his perfectionist of a Master.

They parted after lunch, much to Anakin’s disappointment. Feylin wanted to attend workshop on Common Carnivorous Plants of Mid-Rim Systems. Anakin had his biweekly academic advise session with Master Obi-Wan on his schedule, or he would’ve joined Feylin in the workshop regardless of his utter disinterest in the topic. Then a brilliant idea popped into Anakin’s mind. If he must suffer through the tedium of his Master’s tutoring, he might as well use the chance to learn something thatcould impress Feylin later on.

“Master Obi-Wan,” Anakin bowed when he entered Master Obi-Wan’s study. The room had originally been Anakin’s, and therefore was extremely small, but his Master still managed to convert it into a study/meditation room when Anakin moved into a single room in the padawan dorm last year upon his sixteenth name day. Master Obi-Wan gave him a nod and a smile in return, gesturing for him to kneel beside him in front of the low tea table. Anakin complied, and served a cup of tea to his Master and a glass of muja juice for himself with the pitchers on the table.

“The day’s greeting to you as well, Padawan,” said Master Obi-Wan. He cradled the cup of tea between his hands, sipping from it as ceremonially as he would have among the company of king or queen. For a moment he seemed content to just savour the tea’s aroma. Master Obi-Wan sat extremely still, his face relaxed, and a sense of peacefulness enveloped Anakin much as the smell of tea did. It calmed his jittery nerves somewhat. “How did your Fine Force Manipulation and Force Philosophy classes go?”

“The Force Manipulation class went fine. I managed to untie the triple knots before everyone else,” Anakin replied, a bit smugly, settling down his empty glass. “But I think I need your help for my Philosophy classes. I couldn’t understand any of the concepts Master Lwen-Ma talked about today.”

“Then it shall be our focus for today’s session.”This was what Anakin really liked about Master Obi-Wan: he reacted to any news with nothing but calm acceptance. Although it annoyed him all the time that Master Obi-Wan’s way of acknowledging his achievements was small quirk of his mouth, the man also didn’t make a production out of his failings. He was always serene and steady, much like the great pillars that lined the Temple arcades. “The topic for this week’s class must be ‘The Observer’s Effect on the Force.’”

“Yes, Master.” His Master also seemed to have photographic memories. Anakin could scarcely remember his own timetable; he just checked his datapad when he needed it. Master Obi-Wan always told him that memory needed to be exercised like muscles, but Anakin found it nigh impossible to retain knowledge that did not interest him. Force Philosophy curriculum definitely did not interest him. He wondered what subject of interest Master Obi-Wan would rather recall from memory than from datapad. 

Master Obi-Wan placed his cup down soundlessly. Anakin straightened his posture by reflex, recognising the signs that his Master had entered lecture mode. “You must often hear phrases such as ‘Follow the will of the Force’, ‘The Force is balance’ or ‘Your focus determines your reality’ among the Jedi. In a way, all of these statements are true, yet none of them accurately captures the entirety of the Force. The Force is not a tool. It pursues its own ends. The Force is an energy, physical and metaphysical, that connects everything in the universe. It has no conscience, nor is it sentient. Why then do you think the Jedi Order would opt to follow something that is obviously amoral, that encompasses both Light and Dark, Living and Unifying?” 

Anakin thought hard about it, but only senseless fragments of Master Lwen-Ma’s lecture emerged. “Because the Jedi Order likes balance…?” That sounded inane even to himself. 

“When does a Jedi follow the Force?”

Was that a trick question? “Well, it is supposed to be all the time, but I think mostly Jedi uses the Force to sense danger, detect deception, heal the injured and that kind of stuff.”

A small smile appeared on Master Obi-Wan’s face. “Indeed, a Jedi senses the Force’s prompting when doing all these things. The Force is vast and depthless. An individual cannot perceive everything that the Force is. Instead, an individual senses what is most pertinent to their thoughts. Perception of the Force became filtered by a person’s will, and when they sense its messages, they call it ‘will of the Force’. Do you understand?”

“I think so,” Anakin replied slowly, musing out loud. “This is why Master Lwen-Ma said intent is as important as consequence, I think. Because when a person is guided by their morality, the Force will help them achieve their goal. But if they are guided by fear or greed, the Force will also enhance those things as well.”

“It is so. Furthermore, a Jedi’s connection to the Force is reinforced by practice and repetition. If one frequently uses the Force to do good, the prompting for those ends will also come more often. Conversely if one constantly uses the Force for their personal gain, then the Force will reveal those Dark suggestions more often. Therefore as Jedi we must take care to keep our intention pure, so that we may commune with those voices that guide us toward peace and harmony.”

They both fell silent. Anakin imagined the Force as Master Obi-Wan described, full of benign and sinister voices, and one could choose which to listen. For a moment he envied his Master intensely, for he had spoken of the Force almost as one would an old friend or lover. It was apparent that Master Obi-Wan heard the Force clearly, and heard only the Light. Anakin knew that he himself had a tremendous connection to the Force, yet to him the Force was rather like a cold and impersonal. Perhaps it was time that he began treating the Force differently.

“Meditate on the lesson today, Anakin. I sense that you may near an epiphany soon. I’ll assign you a few essays by other Jedi philosophers who would elaborate on this percept and offer some counterarguments.” That was just about as warm and encouraging as Master Obi-Wan could ever be, and Anakin allowed himself a moment to bask in the affection. “Is there anything else you would like me to go over before I attend to my own class?”

Ah, he almost forgot. Master Obi-Wan was delivering a public lecture in Coruscant Liberal University. Something about facilitating peaceful governmental transition. “Well, I’d like to know when I can have a free evening this week, Master. Feylin wants to revise Force Phil with me for the mid-semester exam.”

“Feylin Tessa’ka, Master Jex’s padawan, I assume?” Again, that photographic memory. Master Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow, but thankfully did not comment on his choice of study partner. Anakin superstitiously checked his mental shields. He did not think he could survive the embarrassment if his Master found out about his … fancy. “Evening of the Third and the Sixth are yours, Padawan. You may borrow my spare reader if you wish. Makes studying together easier.”

Thus began Anakin’s relationship with Feylin.

Anakin’s determination to impress Feylin during those study sessions bore fruit, in more ways than one. His essay for the Force Philosophy exam received a distinction, which he showed happily to both Obi-Wan and Feylin. The other result of his diligent study he kept between himself and Feylin. 

In the first two weeks their eyes kept meeting over the rim of their mugs, each trying and failing to hide a shy smile. By the time they finished revising for Philosophy and moved onto Interspecific Communication, another shared class, they took to holding hands while studying. When Feylin pillowed her head on Anakin’s shoulder one evening after several hours of playful debate, he felt his heart could burst. Then when he bent down with more boldness than he thought he possessed and pressed his lips to hers, he realised that he had fallen gloriously, irrevocably in love. He thought he couldn’t be happier, but then Feylin half-turned on the couch, twining her hands into his hair and — bliss! — kissing back, Anakin knew he had been wrong.

They were enjoying one of their long, sensual kisses one afternoon when they were interrupted. Anakin and Feylin sprang apart when the door chime rang, nearly tumbling to the floor in their haste. A discreet probe showed that it was his Master at the door, probably bearing news of some urgent mission. They smoothed down their tunics and righted the stack of upset datapads, and performed a quick serenity breathing exercise together.

Anakin pressed the door release, hoping that the thudding of his heart was audible only to himself. Master Obi-Wan strode into the room. “My regrets for disrupting your study, Padawans. Anakin, we have a Council meeting in fifteen minutes. My guess is we are being despatched to Planet Fendry of Druss System to investigate claims of genocide. This might be a very long mission.” Some of Anakin’s intense dismay must have leaked through the training bond, for Master Obi-Wan looked up from his datapad sharply. His gaze travelled between Anakin and Feylin, noting the flushed skins, swollen lips and slightly fuzzed padawan braids. A deep line appeared between his brows.

“Padawan Tessa’ka, I wish to have a word with my apprentice alone.” Anakin’s stomach dropped at that formal tone, the icy fear in his chest rapidly turning into full-blown panic. Then Master Obi-Wan added more gently. “You might wish to bid Anakin farewell for now. Our schedule is pressed.”

Anakin looked at Feylin, suddenly realising that he never told Feylin that he loved her, always believing that they would have time for verbal reaffirmation _later_. Only now did he understand that there would be no later. Padawans were forbidden to have romantic attachments. Anakin could not in good conscience declare his love now that such declaration would possibly reveal Feylin’s complicity.

Eventually it was Feylin who found the words; she was ever the more eloquent of the two of them. Her eyes were wide and over bright.“May the Force be with you, Anakin. I’ll miss you.” How beautiful she looked even in distress.

“I’ll miss you, too. Take care.” He said thickly, drinking in her visage, trying to burn it into his memory.

They exchanged a hug. Then Feylin walked out of the door, and closed it gently behind her.

Anakin stared numbly at that door, wondering how such a nondescript thing could carried such heavy sense of finality. Then the unfairness of the entire situation slammed into him all at once. What he and Feylin shared had been good and wholesome and Light, and now he if not both of them would be disciplined for it. The dread inside him exploded into blinding fury. He whirled around, not caring that his face showed every last one of his raging emotions. “Now what? What will be my punishment?”

Master Obi-Wan let the lack of honorific slide. He merely stared back with that infuriating serenity, arms crossed and eyebrow raised. “Are you in love with Padawan Tessa’ka, or is it merely a friendly relationship?” Ah, so that was what his Master was trying to do. The rule governing padawan’s interpersonal conduct was clear: sexual liaisons were perfectly acceptable; only love was discouraged. His Master must be reluctant to deal with his wayward attachment if he was offering Anakin a way out like this. 

However, Anakin was not a coward. If the Jedi Council wanted to raise emotionless droids, he refuse to party to it. “Yes, I’m in love with her. Now what will you do with me?”

Remarkably, his Master’s patience did not falter. “There will be no punishments, Padawan. Now _we_ will both calm down and find our centres. We must attend to our duties to the Council first, and then we shall find a solution for this together.” 

As instantly as Anakin rage had descended upon him, it fled in face of Master Obi-Wan’s gentle rebuke. Anakin bowed his head, chastened by the reminder that his Master had always guided and supported him through his various mishaps and infractions. He had no reason to take his frustration out on the one person in the Temple that cared for him implicitly, even though his celibate and — Force forbid — virginal Master could not possibly understand his plight.

Master Obi-Wan nodded when he felt the last trace of Anakin’s anger drained away. “Close your eyes, Padawan.” Obi-Wan continued, his voice levelled and soothing. Anakin had no choice but to comply. “Picture a sand dune. Brown and beige. The wind blows. The sand swirls with it, but the dune is the same. Touched but unchanged. So is your centre. Touched but unchanged.” That was the focusing exercise Master Obi-Wan had designed for him when he first became his apprentice. The desert imagery never failed to evoke a sense of peace, and now it also grounded Anakin by reminding him of the way his Master had cared for him when their relationship first began. His Master’s aura mingled with his, replacing his anxiety with parental affection.

“Thank you, Master,” said Anakin after the meditation ended. “I’m sorry for my outburst earlier.”

“Your emotions are understandable, Padawan.” Then, a sigh. “We will have to continue this conversation later. Our presence is requested by the Council now.”

It was as Master Obi-Wan predicted: a covert operation for evidence gathering in Fendry, one so highly dangerous that his Master’s expertise was required. Anakin listened with half an ear to Master Windu’s words of caution. Usually Anakin was very proud of the fact that his Master’s skills both as a negotiator and an undercover agent were so sought after, but today he couldn’t help but regret the prolonged absence from the Temple his Master’s duty to the Order entailed.

When the Head of Council finished speaking, Anakin bowed as one with his Master, more than ready for some introspection and good old-fashioned wallowing. But Master Obi-Wan did not turn to leave.

“Masters of the Council, is there not another team that can take up this assignment?” inquired Master Obi-Wan. Anakin reeled back, shocked. His Master had never declined a mission before, however messy or dangerous it was. Did Master Obi-Wan believe him incompetent now? His loss of control earlier was an aberration, an honestly excusable one considering the shock he was under. Was he to be deemed emotionally unstable just because he fell in love? He peered at Master Obi-Wan, but the man remained inscrutable. 

“A problem your apprentice have, Master Obi-Wan?” asked Master Yoda. 

Abruptly Anakin was transported to the first time he had stepped foot into this very room. It had been dusk then as well, dusk that coloured the tiled floor and shadowed the Councillors’ faces. Although now he could not remember the whole arguments, one thing stood clearly in his mind: one apprentice had been cast aside for another. Would that happen to him now? He thought hysterically. How symbolic would it be if his Master would do unto Anakin what Anakin had inadvertently done unto him. 

“The problem that most humanoid padawans encounter at least once during their apprenticeship. The very same that I struggled in my last years as a padawan,” was the measured response. The intelligent corner of Anakin’s mind recognised Master Obi-Wan’s attempt to normalise his attachment, while the rest of him ground to a halt with shock, his earlier fear of abandonment completely forgotten. Though Anakin respected his Master dearly, the man seemed entirely dedicated to duty. In fact, the height of his Master’s joy (aside from noting Anakin’s progress) was limited to puttering about the Temple gardens or entering those extremely deep meditative trances. Master Obi-Wan even talked to his potted plants, for Force’s sake. He wouldn’t know passion even if it bit him on the lips. 

Yet Master Yoda nodded pensively as if recalling memories from long, distant past. “Prefer you would to resolve the situation before enter a dangerous situation, hmmm, Master Obi-Wan?”

“Yes, Master Yoda. Anakin is not one to shirk his responsibilities, but I would rather have time and peace to work through the situation with him before taking up such volatile mission. So allow me to repeat my request: is there another team that can be sent in our stead?”

All the Council members squinted at their datapads. At last Master Windu spoke. “The Force is with you, Master Obi-Wan. Knight Schva and Knight Wen returned from their missions two days earlier than expected. I will assign this mission to them.”

“My gratitude, Masters. I shall thank Knight Schva and Knight Wen personally when they return.” And that concluded the matter. The Council did not address the obvious issue of Anakin’s attachment, seemingly content to leave the matter to his Master.

Master Obi-Wan led Anakin back to his apartment. By the time Master Obi-Wan gestured him toward the meditation mats, his earlier dread and misery had reasserted themselves. He distractedly noticed that the half-dead cactus Master Obi-Wan had brought back from their latest mission was striving in its pot, sporting several fragrant fuchsia flowers. The incongruity of those bright flowers in the otherwise spartan room became the focal point of his growing hysteria. At last, his Master settled down on the second mat with two cups of tea.

“Am I to be separated from Feylin, Master?” he put aside his tea and asked, wanting to get to the bottomline immediately.

Sitting cross-legged, his Master was a bit shorter than he was. In a year or two Anakin knew his Master would be shorter than him standing as well. “You know the Padawan’s rules, Anakin. You have a choice to obey them or disregard them, though I much prefer the former.”

Anakin really should have expected such an answer. One of Master Obi-Wan’s most endearing and frustrating trait was that he never really ordered Anakin to do something (unless it’s during a mission). Instead he usually allowed Anakin to choose for himself. The resultant freedom was always appreciated but frequently daunting. “I would rather not separate from her. I mean, what could the harm be? Both of us are happier when we are with each other. She encourages my studies. I help her with some of her ‘saber techniques. Surly this shows we would fare better together than apart.” Anakin explained. “You do understand me, don’t you?”

Master Obi-Wan smiled a little and raised his hand to trail a finger down his braid, which reached past his collerbone. “Yes, Padawan, I understand, and I am glad that you have this experience. It is a blessing from the Force to know love. But love inspires many strong emotions that could lead toward the Dark Side. That is why Padawans are forbidden to form attachments until they are Knighted, when they are deemed strong enough to handle those emotions.”

Anakin abruptly remembered why he frequently considered the Council out of touch with real, emotional matters. They were mired in all those _There is no emotion_ nonsense. It seemed his Master, too, was becoming like one of them. There was nothing remotely Dark about Anakin’s love. “I might be only seventeen, Master, but I have shed more blood, seen more atrocities than men twice my age.” He then had to consciously unclench his fists, unwilling to appear as anything but in full control of his emotions.

“You are mature, Anakin, yet I have seen Knights and Masters who struggled and nearly fell to the Dark because of love.” For a moment Master Obi-Wan gazed past Anakin, and his expression became hardened with pain. Then he ran a hand through his hair and visibly exhaled, a clear sign that he resigned himself to some unpleasant task. “Perhaps now you are old enough to be told some of the things I held back from you previously. Should I tell you of the instances when my Master fell in love?”

That startled Anakin. His Master rarely spoke of his former master, and Anakin had been reluctant to bring the subject up. Though his memory of Master Qui-Gon was blurred by age, Anakin’s impression of him was one of warmth and vitality, unencumbered by the strict Code that seemed to deaden all other Jedi Anakin had met later on. Over the years Anakin had carefully patterned his behaviour after what he remembered of the Jedi Master. But he had never spoken aloud of how much he missed him, or how frequently he wished Master Obi-Wan could be more affectionate or more defiant like Master Qui-Gon. He knew from his brief observation of the two men (the arguments, the repudiation, the lack of tears) that their relationship must be turbulent if not outright hostile. And even now Master Obi-Wan still tended to clam up at the mention of Master Qui-Gon. So why should Master Obi-Wan bring him up now?

“I am actually Master Jinn’s third padawan,” Master Obi-Wan began, taking Anakin’s silence as agreement. “His first apprentice, Feemor, came to his tutelage when his Master was murdered. Master Jinn took him on at the deceased master’s behest, and they enjoyed a successful apprenticeship and friendship for three years before Feemor was knighted. His second apprentice was Xanatos. This apprentice Master Jinn chose by himself. Xanatos was a brilliant strategist and swordsman, very charismatic from what I’ve heard. Master Jinn loved him very much.”

The story fascinated Anakin, although he still had no idea what bearing it had on their conversation. He had never imagined that Master Qui-Gon had three padawans, but had, if fact, never quite considered the Jedi Master’s life before Master Obi-Wan’s apprenticeship. 

Master Obi-Wan continued. “His love blinded him. The other Masters, especially Master Yoda, warned him of Xanatos’ conceit and egotism, but Master Jinn refused to believe it until, during a mission near the end of his apprenticeship, Xanatos Turned and drew his lightsaber on his Master. That defection nearly broke Master Jinn’s spirit, and for many years he distanced himself from the Jedi community and refused to take another padawan.”

Anakin heard the words, but he could scarcely comprehend their meaning. It seemed impossible that a man as strong, as passionate as Qui-Gon Jinn could be beaten down by anything. Perhaps it was only because Anakin had placed the man on a pedestal for so long. Or perhaps there was a lesson in this. Wise and powerful though Master Qui-Gon might be , he simply cared too much, was too attached. 

“Should I continue, Padawan, or would you prefer to meditate on what you have learnt?”

“No, please go ahead. I would really like to know the rest.”

“Very well,” said Master Obi-Wan. He closed his eyes, sinking deep into memories. Anakin felt he drew the Force toward him like a protective blanket. “Master Jinn recovered slowly after he took me as his padawan. Then he fell in love with another master, a longtime friend of his. Master Tahl was the Temple archivist, beautiful, intelligent and affectionate, a good match to Master Jinn. Then she was kidnapped during an investigation. Master Jinn and I went to rescue her against Council edict, but it was too late when we found her. She was tortured beyond treatment. In the aftermath of her death Master Jinn was consumed by his desire for vengeance. He attempted to kill Master Tahl’s torturer, nearly falling to the Dark side in the process. He was never quite the same afterward, just as I suspect he was forever changed by Xanatos’ Turning.”

Master Obi-Wan stopped speaking. From the training bond it appeared as if he entered into an impromptu meditation, or perhaps he just wanted to hear the guidance of the Force. It was no matter, as it gave Anakin the opportunity to muse over the tale. The story itself was as depressing as it was enlightening, effectively killing all of Anakin’s objections toward the padawan’s rules. Yet something seemed amiss. Where was Master Obi-Wan in all of these? “You speak as if you really care about Master Qui-Gon. I thought you hated him.”

“What?” The utterly astonished expression on Master Obi-Wan’s face simply begged for a holo-camera. It was as if Anakin accused him of beating little crechelings. “Of course I cared about Master Jinn. He was my Master. I loved him.”

Now it was Anakin’s turn to be surprised. So much for his years of discretion. “Oh,” he uttered lamely, “I always thought the two of you didn’t get along well.”

“Far from it, Padawan, far from it,” Master Obi-Wan’s voice grew almost wistful. “Now, do you understand what I mean when I say the emotions inspired by attachment could be a path to the Dark side? We are Jedi. We must be more vigilant than others when we encounter these situations, for if we misuse our power we would cause the suffering of many others. Your knighting would be a formal recognition of your ability to navigate love without falling prey to its side effects, so to speak.”

“Master, but I already have an attachment.” He tried hard not to sound plaintive. Although he now grasped the reason he did not like the situation any better. “It won’t go way just because I stopped seeing Feylin.”

“There are degrees of attachment, Anakin. For most humans, physical intimacy or even frequent company would cement it. Therefore I would advise your from spending too much time with her. There are also meditation techniques I will teach you starting from tomorrow that would allow you to focus on your affection but purge the attachment.” 

Perhaps too much of his bleak thoughts leaked through the training bond, because Master Obi-Wan leaned forward and embraced Anakin, something he hadn’t done since he turned eleven. This close, their height difference became more pronounced. Anakin hugged back awkwardly, somewhat mortified by his lack of control. He was inordinately relieved when Master Obi-Wan released him. “I know that it seemed like a long time for now, but trust me, once your apprenticeship is over it would seem woefully short. In the meantime, it would be a good lesson on patience.”

That Anakin could hardly believe. He did not expected to be presented for Trial for at least another four to five years, and he really doubt either he or Feylin would want to wait for such a long time. Then another thought struck him. “Master, I never knew you have a lover.”

“I don’t have a lover, Anakin, nor did I ever have one.” Master Obi-Wan answered stiffly.

Anakin knew a cautioning tone when he heard one, but was never one to proceed with caution. “But you said…”

Master Obi-Wan shot Anakin such a withering look the rest of his sentenced died in his throat. He had forgotten how private his Master was. Without another word Master Obi-Wan stood up with the two empty cups and left for the kitchen. Embarrassed by his tactless inquiry, though his curiosity ran more rampantly than before, Anakin decided to see himself out of Master Obi-Wan’s apartment. Some meditation would no doubt help clear his mind.

Then, just as Anakin was half way through the living room, an errant emotion floated down the bond from Master Obi-Wan’s side. He was so unused to sensing anything other than peace, approval and the occasional displeasure from his Master it took him almost a full minute to pinpoint its source, and another minute to discern its nature. It was abject longing, so overpowering that the similar emotion in Anakin’s breast paled in comparison. Anakin wavered for an instant, reluctant to importune his Master further. But the sense of melancholy only increased.

Anakin changed his course. When he entered the cramped kitchen, he found Master Obi-Wan leaning against the counter, shoulders hunched and head bowed, cradling his old, battered teapot in his hands; the Jedi Master did not stir at all when he approached, which spoke volume of his emotional state. Anakin strode over to turn off the faucet before water could overrun the sink, then turned his disturbed eyes toward Master Obi-Wan. 

Throughout his apprenticeship Anakin had borne witness to Master Obi-Wan’s wariness, sorrow and even rage, but never the soul-deep yearning that even now emanated from him. Anakin’s Master was a bastion of strength, who had retained his barbed tongue sharp wit through the most harrowing of missions. This tired, middle-aged man, with his face shadowed in the low light of the kitchen, was almost a stranger. Unaccountably scared by his Master’s alienness, Anakin spoke of the first thing that entered his mind. “Who was she?”

Master Obi-Wan did not move from his position. “It was a he, actually. He died while I was still a padawan, so we never had the opportunity to pursue a romanic relationship together.”

Anakin exploded. The vehemence in his voice surprised even himself, though he kept going nevertheless. “Yet you expect me to follow your footsteps? You are a hypocrite, Master! All these talks about the Dark side and attachments, when in fact you separated Feylin and I just so you wouldn’t be the only one being miserable. I never….”

A raised eyebrow halted Anakin’s tirade. Suddenly Master Obi-Wan’s presence expanded, the power normally concealed behind adamantine shields projecting outward. The very air screamed _danger!_ and Anakin was treated for the first time to the animalistic fear that had many a grown creature fleeing at the mention of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s name. “Save me your righteous anger, Padawan,” spoke Master Obi-Wan dispassionately. The man pushed himself off the counter and then turned around to rinse the cups. Anakin shakily released the breath he didn’t know he had been holding as the overwhelming power in Master Obi-Wan’s aura dwindled and eventually became banked again. 

Master Obi-Wan briskly placed the cups on the drying rack and wiped his hand on a dish towel. He then levelled his steely regard at Anakin, effective pinning him in place. “Now, I will make a few things clear to you. First of all, you are my padawan, my charge, my responsibility. I am concerned about your welfare, in case you have not noticed in the last eight years of our acquaintance. I do not care to see you suffer in any manner, and I certainly do not wish my fate on you, or indeed anyone else. Do you mark me?”

Sufficiently deflated, Anakin nodded. No one dared question his Master’s devotion to duty for a good reason, and Anakin’s training was the highest duty Master Obi-Wan had.

“Secondly, I do not regret following the stricture of the padawan’s vow. I was not ready for such an attachment. When I saw the love of my life impaled by that red lightsaber, I nearly turned Dark in mindless rage. I would have turned if it wouldn’t wound him so horribly to have two students fallen to the Dark side. That, and I could not slay in anger with his lightsaber. So you see, I was not Knighted a day too early or a day too late.”

The dots connected themselves. Anakin finally understood Obi-Wan’s bizarre urge to cook Silurian nerf stew every other Fifth day, despite the fact that both of them loathed the dish’s pungent smell. He also understood why several cloaks in Obi-Wan’s closet seemed two sizes too large, and some canisters of tea leaves in his cabinet several years too old. For years he had wondered what compelled Obi-Wan to honour his promise to a man he seemed to loathe, but now even that mystery became clear. 

“Lastly, Anakin, you ought to remember your first lesson as a padawan: there is no death.” Amazingly, Obi-Wan smiled at him, and there was profound joy shining through a world of suffering. “Qui-Gon Jinn and I love one another. He is one with the Force now. Even though I miss his physical presence, I know he is with me through the Force. I can sense him.” Obi-Wan turned his face skyward and held out his palms as if in prayer, and a lock of his long hair stirred, though there was no breeze in the room. “The pains I harbour are transient, Anakin. The Force is permanent. The Force sustains us, and we shall be together again one day.”

The sense of grief from the training bond finally ceased, chased away by the tranquility he had come to associate with his Master when deep in communion with the Force. Though Anakin still felt bewildered and a little wrought out from the numerous discoveries about himself, Master Obi-Wan and Master Qui-Gon he made today, Obi-Wan’s calmness again grounded him. 

_Keep you intent pure_ , _and the Force will show you a way,_ his Master had said. He still loved Feylin, but he did not think he could wait for her as Obi-Wan did if she died one day. Perhaps it would be best to wait, after all. Meanwhile he could learn to grow up a bit more, and learn to meditate like his Master. Anakin bowed low. “Thank you for your lesson, Master Obi-Wan.”

He left Obi-Wan in the half light of the kitchen with Master Qui-Gon, and went off to seek his meditation.

**Author's Note:**

> I swore that I would never kill Qui-Gon in my stories. I broke my vow.
> 
> I always wanted a story in which Obi-Wan acted like the Jedi Master he is, i.e. with candour and patience. In this fic, Obi-Wan must impart of some of the Jedi’s hardest philosophical lessons while dealing with his apprentice’s burgeoning emotions. Anakin Skywalker is his typical emotional self, but he does listen to Obi-Wan's advise eventually. Perhaps that makes this story a kind of AU, but I would prefer to think that this is what would happen if Obi-Wan could be more honest with his apprentice. 
> 
> This story also addresses two tenets of Jedi philosophy I never quite accepted: the "This is the Will of the Force" and the "No Attachment". Since I ended up debating with myself about these so many times, I decided to incorporate them into my story. 
> 
> It is chiefly inspired by "Secrets & Lies" by EmilaWanKenobi, which is a severely under appreciated gem. 
> 
> As always, please be gentle and generous with feedbacks.


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